Monday, 27 July 2015

WTF of the Week: Shit Welsh Expats Have To Do

1) Remember that, in other countries, the word 'lush' is not a catch-all adjective for everything beautiful, tasty or aesthetically pleasing. Time to crack out the thesaurus.

2) Explaining to someone that you're from Wales goes something like this:
YOU: I moved here from Wales.
THEM: Ah yes,, where?
YOU: Small country, next to England, many sheep.
THEM: I see. So near London, then?
YOU: No no, NEXT to England. Not in. London is a good two and a half hours away.
THEM: Ok, next to Ireland?
THEM: Do you need your passport to cross the border?
YOU: *sob*

3) Edit your conversation when you remember that the word 'fausty' doesn't actually exist, and that people who aren't also from Wales tend to judge you as a simpleton when you use it. Who knew?!

4) Explaining the difference between cheese on toast and Welsh rarebit. Then going on to explain that, actually, it's not our national dish. Fuck you, Bill Bailey.

5) Fielding questions of varying legitimacy regarding a potential bid for Welsh independence. "Oh, let me see. Well, we're a nation of 3.5 million people whose industry was all but decimated by Thatcher, we're vastly outnumbered by sheep and we still rely on subsidies from the English government for everything from prescription medications to student grants. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK?"

6) Feeling the need to follow up the statement "I'm from Wales" with "we're not all like the people on The Valleys. Honest."

7) Pretend they can sing the entire Welsh national anthem when drunk. Even if they're just making up a few extra words along the way. Or is that just me?

8) In fact, just shame-facedly explaining to people that after 11 years of intensive tuition, the only Welsh phrase you're able to parrot is 'rydw i'n hoffi coffi'. But at least you can then make them giggle by telling them that the colloquial term for a jellyfish is 'pysgod wibbly-wobbly'.

9) Explaining why the Welsh can't stand the English. Unless you want to launch into a three hour lecture that encompasses colonisation, the Welsh Not, the Rebecca Riots, and the constant accusations of in-breeding that have been thrown at Welsh people over the centuries, they're not going to get it.

10) Remind everyone that Wales, or maybe just Cardiff, really is the new pop culture hub of the UK. Doctor Who? Sherlock? Torchwood? The new Pinewood Studios? We got 'em all. WE HAVE BEEN VALIDATED. WE ARE RELEVANT. BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH HANGS OUT BY THE MUSEUM. This should be closely followed by a chortle-worthy, faux-peeved tale of when one of these smash hit TV shows interrupted your day, like the time I was trying to get home and found my entire street blocked off by the Doctor Who massive and their giant rain machine.

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